It's so hard to even know where to start. So many feelings and emotions have been running through me the last few days. The same ones that I've felt for a year now. They're just a bit stronger and it's because the day I've been dreading is here. The 1 year anniversary of my Daddy going to heaven. One year. I know I've said it a dozen times but it doesn't seem possible. I can't grasp the idea that he's actually gone let alone that he's been gone a year. I remember thinking last year at this time that 1 year was so far away and I couldn't even think about life without my Dad for a year. And now, I'm living it. It's my new normal, sadly. I believe the thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I'll see my Daddy again some day. Without that I can't even imagine where I'd be. Such a hopeless, depressing state that would be.
The sadness and grief is still very real to me and I miss him more now than ever. It's an ache that comes from deep inside and is one that cannot be "fixed". It leaves a gaping, empty hole inside. Unless you've felt it, you have no idea. I had no idea until a year ago. I've learned to live with my new normal and it's actually pretty close to what life was like before losing my Dad but now there's the hole. And the days where it punches you in the stomach and you're right back to the unbearable grief that leaves you crumpled on the floor, wishing for just a little more time with him. I'm guessing that I will live with that for the rest of my life and in a way I'm glad. I don't like feeling sad and being overwhelmed with grief but I never want it to go away because it shows that I haven't forgotten. I pray I never forget.
One year ago from this very moment I was watching my Daddy take his last breaths. I'm so thankful that I was there with him when he went home to Jesus. I will never forget those last precious moments I had with him.