Tuesday

Tuesday is a day that I will never forget. It was the day we found out that my dad's melanoma is terminal and was given 6-12 months to live with treatment. Now, I know that with God all things are possible and that He is in control but I don't know His will in this situation. It may be that He wants my Dad to be here for only another year or less but He also may want him to be here longer. Either way, I'm so incredibly sad ("sad" doesn't seem adequate enough because it is so, so much more than that). I'm sad because I'm losing my Daddy. I can't imagine life without him. I don't want to imagine my life without him. I'm sad because I know that my children won't grow up to know the amazing man that their Grandpa is.  And he is such a wonderful Grandpa.  The love he has for my JJ is so precious.  I'm just so thankful that JJ will be old enough to remember him. I'm sad because our family will never be the same. There will always be a piece of us missing.  I'm sad because of the many things that will happen in our lives that we won't get to share with him.  I never imagined I'd go through life without sharing everything with my Dad. I'm sad because my Dad is the greatest, kindest, most giving man I know and is the least deserving of this awful disease. He is my hero.

My heart is broken. How can you ever, ever completely heal from something like this? I have never experienced this kind of sadness and hurt and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's so overwhelming and painful and comes from somewhere deep inside. I know that God's grace will help us to live our lives and will help the hurt to lessen after awhile but I just don't believe that I'll ever be the same. And I don't really know that I ever want to be the same.

I know that this journey has just started for us and the tears have only begun. And I know that nothing we do will ever be enough and the time we have with him will never be enough but it's what we've been given and I want to cherish it.  Every.Single.Moment.